read this if you have to explain….why you look the way you do
My reaction to questions about my appearance can spark impatience or compassion, but rarely neutrality. I understand that most people approach me with genuine, non-judgmental curiosity about my alopecia, my tattoos, or whatever else seems "othering" about me at any given moment. However, I sometimes get irritated by the timing, tone, or palpable assumptions folks bring to their inquiries.
In my case, I actually want you to know about me. I think context is important in relationships- and my alopecia does add to my character and identity. I invite a conversation, and when I’m feeling safe with folks, I’m down for some vulnerability reciprocation.
My advice to those being seen: Pause. Check your reaction. Notice your impulses. Establish your boundary. You don’t have to answer any questions, or qualify yourself. You get to choose what energy and level of exposure comes next. (Sometimes we don’t get to choose what comes next. When it’s aggressive, find a safe pair of eyes to lock with, or let someone around you know you feel unsafe). Share your experience with someone who “get’s it. Find community in your otherness. Social media has one good thing about it….you can most likely find other people that have similar experiences, sometimes scrolling thru like-minded reels is therapeutic.
My advice to those who are looking: read the room. Tune into the vibe, the surroundings, and your motivation for asking. Why? Because a professional work event or a crowded room might not be a safe or appropriate space for the answer to be disclosed. Timing can make or break a connection. People get it wrong all the time—even me, oof. I can think of several times when I’ve commented on the obvious with terrible timing. Humility is a great quality to cultivate. Own the fact that your mouth may ask or comment before your brain considers whether now is a good time. I’ve messed up with race, gender, disability, age, and have had many other timing malfunctions. So when people approach me about my hair loss, I stay humble and trust that genuine curiosity is usually at the core of their questions.
We all look a little different. Some of us have trauma associated with our differences, some define ourselves by them, and some of us find our particular "difference" completely "normal."